Intersection of Perspectives
This is the second time this has happened to me recently; I was out riding my bike and came to a give way sign at an intersection. There was a
Scapegoats: The Designated Problem
.Many people come to therapy for the first time because their partner has sent them. One partner has done something which the other partner finds unacceptable, so they are labelled
Relationships: Coping with Our Partner’s Past
We all bring history into our relationships, and sometimes that history is difficult for new partners. For some, it is very difficult to accept the things that our new partner
The Slow Work of Making Progress
If you are seeking counselling or psychotherapy, you can sometimes have the idea that the therapist will be able to make dramatic changes to your life through brief observation and
The Hidden Cost of Pleasing Others
Many of us find it hard to say ‘no’ to other people; we end up saying ‘yes’ many more times than we really want to. We usually do this in
Why Hurt People Lash out at Their Helpers
When we see people suffering with powerful sadness or grief, we can be quite strongly affected. When we experience this, it’s natural to want to help; to treat them gently,
Arguments: Always Strike When the Iron is Cold
We have all heard the expression ‘strike while the iron is hot’ and this can leave us thinking that the best way to handle relationship issues is right here and
Our Endless Search for the Greener Grass
Most of us will have heard the expression “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”. It’s an elegantly simple quote that seems to imply that
Our Need to Interfere: Letting Others Be
Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves, and want to get involved in the lives of other people. We sometimes can’t resist our need to interfere and control even those closest to
Using Shame as a Weapon: Does it Work?
Each of us has someone that we wish would change. We have tried being supportive, understanding, helpful and directive, but still they remain unchanged. It can be extremely frustrating and
The Myth of the Good Experience
One of the most enduring ideas we have is that if we have bad experiences, then we only need a good experience to counteract them. But we can end up
The Seduction of the ‘Born Alone’ Myth
Many of us have heard the expression that ‘we are born alone and we die alone’; many of us have nodded our heads at the wisdom of it, feeling that
Are We Prepared to Pay the Price of Honesty?
For many of us, it is important that the people around us are honest. We want to be able to trust what we hear. Conversely, when we are around people
Caught Between Wishing and Fearing
For each of us, there are things that we want and things that we don’t want. It seems natural to assume that we work towards having the things we want,
The Damage Done by False Praise
We all want to have our accomplishments appreciated for what we have achieved, and many find it motivating. Knowing this, we try to encourage others through praise and also hope
Allowing Ourselves to Have Healthy Dependency
We often think that would like to be independent from other people; this is especially true if we have had difficult relationships with others. We imagine that if we weren’t dependent,
Me, You and Assigning Blame
Things go wrong and people get blamed. Sometimes it can be hard to work out if the person getting blamed is the person who should bear the blame. There is
The Dead Weight of Habits
Many of us know we have attitudes and habits that don’t help us in life; yet we sometimes feel powerless to do anything about them. We know they don’t help,
Changing Your Spots
We have all heard the expression ‘a leopard never changes its spots’; we can doubt if it is possible for us to change. If we can change, what parts of
Introverts: the Quiet Australians
Most of us are familiar with the distinction between an introvert and an extrovert; we usually have a pretty fair handle on which of these best describes us. Both are
The Burden of Being Perfect
We all strive to be better at what we do; this is part of the way that we improve our self-esteem. Accomplishing things makes us feel good, and the better
Causality: What You Did to Me
When it comes to the heated interactions between people, we often think in terms of one-way causality; what you did to me has an effect on me, or, I did a
Maintaining Your Emotional Fitness
We seem to have a pretty clear idea about what physical fitness is. I think that many people would also agree on what mental fitness is. However, when it comes
The Pleasures and Perils of Living Alone
Many people live alone, and the number is rising in many developed countries. People almost universally see it as a bad thing and a sign of the loss of community,