The Mysterious Behaviour of Others

Sometimes we are mystified by the behaviour of others. They say and do things that we just don't understand no matter how hard we try. They do things which seem self-destructive, hurtful to other people, disrespectful and unproductive. Their behaviours can seem so far from what we feel is the right thing. So why do they do things that they do?

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Working towards our goals

We have some pretty clear ideas about what we want and how to go about getting it, and we try to work hard towards our goals. We're not always successful; often we feel like we're failing and things are going off the rails, but we do have some successes and can often feel that we are making some progress. We can generally see a connection between what we want, what we do, and the outcomes we get. But as for other people – when we see what they do, it can be difficult for us to understand what they want, and the gulf between us grows.

We want the same things

In my experience, people generally want the same things. They want respect, dignity, understanding, love, peace etc – the same things you want. However, a history of even mild trauma can lead us to trying to get these things in unproductive and even damaging ways. Even though those who have a history of trauma want the same things as anyone else, they can approach getting them in ways which put people off-side and make us question their motives.

Helping with trauma

When people are assisted to overcome their trauma their fundamental needs don't change. What does change is the way that they go about seeking to have these needs met. Suddenly, the way they do things makes a lot more sense to us. When we see ourselves reflected in them we can become aware of how much pain they're in.

– Tim Hill

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