The Expression Expectation: ‘Show Your Feelings!’

Those contemplating counselling or psychotherapy start with the automatic idea that they should be working towards greater expression of what they think and feel. Whilst this might be right for some people, this approach isn’t right for everyone; especially when it feels like a demand to show your feelings. In fact, The Expression Expectation can keep people from the help they need.

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Expressing ourselves

Many people go through life feeling like they cannot properly express what they think or feel. They have tried in the past – and have perhaps been met with rejection or silence. And so they keep what they feel to themselves; it helps to not expose themselves. However, they find that they get frustrated with having to hold the things that they think and feel inside. This is especially so when they see that other people seem to express themselves easily. They long for the same freedom. Exhortations to ‘show your feelings' don't help. They have already tried and it didn't work out.

There is a difference between the freedom to express yourself and an expectation to express yourself; it is important difference. An expectation to express yourself can be just another burden, even if well intentioned. When you feel the expression expectation, your first impulse might be to clam up even more.

Inappropriate expression

Clearly, there are times when expression of your thoughts and feelings without regard for the circumstances or the wishes of others creates more problems than it solves. Further, some people can be so unfamiliar with what they think and feel that an expectation to express themselves is actually quite frightening and counter-productive.

Other people have a tendency towards a more introspective temperament and don’t enjoy full-hearted expression and would rather keep more to themselves. Lastly, there are also some people who feel that they can’t stop expressing themselves and would like to remain more contained and contemplative. All of these individual positions are worthy of respect. You have the right to feel less if you want, and the right to feel more if you want too. That's entirely up to you; the same goes for expression.

Choosing your own goals

If you choose to undertake psychotherapy, you will be the one that chooses what your goals are, and this may include – amongst other things – goals that you form around when to express, what to express and how much to express. The choice is yours.

Let me know what you think in the comments. Now, read about what we don't say about mental health.

– Tim Hill

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