Comments (2)

  1. janine lowy 22.06.2017 at 09:29

    The problem is that the pathological accommodator needs to recognize that it is his/her issue that needs to be dealt with. Unfortunately the pathological accommodator usually blames everyone else ( especially his/her partner) for the resentments that build up over time because of the inability to express his or her needs, dissatisfactions, unhappiness. Because the pathological accommodator is a pleaser he needs to make the partner the ” bad person” to justify his, in many cases, running away or detaching from the family. In other words, it is everyone else’s problem but his/hers.

  2. Tim Hill 22.06.2017 at 10:46

    Hi Janine, thank you for your interesting comment. For a person to be pathologically accommodating usually means that this pattern has been in place for a while, usually since childhood. The person can feel that this way of being will get results because it may well have done so in the past. However, in relationship with another adult, a different strategy is called for. Like all other strategies, this is best learnt deliberately. The danger is that our frustration of living with an accomodating person like this will cause us to display this frustration towards them; this is likely to only trigger their need to pathologically accommodate through their discomfort and fear. In other words, it is only reinforced by our actions to try to change it. Counter-intuitively, it can only be usefully resolved through our attempts at understanding and patience. Ultimately, it’s a shared problem – no-one is getting what they need out of the situation – so the solution may need to be shared as well.

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